Have you ever seen the musical Wicked? If you haven't, I recommend it.
I like to think I was relatively popular in High School. I mean, I had friends, and more than one or two. (I may have deluded myself, but let's not pop my bubble of fancy quite yet, please) And then again in college, I never felt the awkward pinch of trying to make a new friend. I just had friends, almost like they made themselves.
Did I take that for granted? Obviously!
Two of the bloggy ladies that I quite admire (and consider to be my friends) have blogged in the last few days about the friend issues that adults face. (As if middle school friend drama wasn't enough to cause your eye-balls to raisin up and fall out after all the tears.) Read here: Amanda and Charlotte
It made me ponder friendships, and loneliness. And that 'safe' place we try to put our self when we might have to make new friends or overcome our self-consciousness. And I realize that maybe I live there now. You know that place, right? That safe place where even those who aren't shy (or weren't, anyway) become so. Where you sit at the edge of conversations, but never quite jump in. Where you try to smile and be approachable while still being tough enough to be A-OK sitting alone after all.
It only took 3 years for me to really feel fully friended in the last place we lived. And I kicked myself for hiding out in my 'safe' place for so long....when we left I was truly sad to leave. So I told myself that in this new place I would be fearless. I would bury the safe place and really try to know people. I really believed I would be bullet proof. (the song by La Roux- you've heard it? listen!)
And I have tried! I make an effort to listen before I speak. I ask questions and pay attention to answers. I try to remember names, and I say hi... But I am not bullet proof! Just on Sunday, I remembered that a lady from church had just had a birthday. She is a remarkable woman, and quite intimidating as a whole, but I stopped to ask how her birthday was. She looked at me and said, "It was fine." And then looked away. Yup.
Guess I won't be part of the chatty circles in the hallways any time soon.
I can't just walk up and ask someone to be my friend. (as elementary, innocent, and refreshing as it might seem....) because it makes me feel like I really am broken. Can't someone just want to be my friend, of their own free will and choice? Maybe that's too easy.
So, how do you make friends? I think I need lessons.
You, my friend, do not need lessons on making friends!! Remember how you SAVED me in Jr. High when I thought I wasn't worthy of friends. It was YOU who approached me and changed my world! I am forever in your debt thanks to the friendship you have given me for 18ish years! I love you to the moon...my dear friend! Never feel inadequate in the friend department!
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking a lot about this lately too. We are about to move to Utah from St. Louis where we have been for over 6 years and have made some good friends here. I must admit I am nervous about going to a new ward and neighborhood and trying to break into a circle of friends. That makes me sounds like an intruder, but that's almost what it is like! Anyway, I know from experience that you are a fun and loyal friend and anyone would be lucky to have you as one. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm in agreement, you don't need lessons on being a friend. :) I know what you mean, though. It's a tricky one for moms. Hang in there! That remarkable lady might have had a rotten birthday and have been right in the middle of a perplexing issue in her life and was surprised that you knew it was her birthday and then you passed each other and then she felt dumb for the way that she responded but awkward enough not to turn around to the friend that she respects and say, "hey, sorry I responded incorrectly." At least that's what I'm imagining. I think it's harder to be friends as grown ups because our lives are more complex, problems more perplexing, and maybe we aren't as socially talented as we once were, and for people to understand our craziness they have to just keep on trying. :) Love your blog, have I mentioned?
ReplyDeleteI'm in a similar quandry. Lots of aquaintences but no real friends. I call your brothers and sister when I want to hang out and they are buzy and think I'm lame.(its the mom thing) So no real advice. I think its like falling in love if its right it works out! Plus also you have to put yourself out there ---ALOT!!!!( i know its 2 words)
ReplyDeleteI'm obviously not the person to ask. But I've been trying to put myself out there more often. Thanks for the link!
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